The Power of Silence

I have a good friend who is an epitome of silence. It is not that she is a recluse but actively participates in conversations, puts across her views where necessary and mostly listens. She is aware that the virtue of silence is not in remaining mute, but speaking only when necessary. She is different from many who revel in monopolising conversations and in listening to their own voices. They indulge in empty talk speaking more than what the occasion or the question demands. It is not as measured and precise as is the case when we put our thoughts in writing. It is more a rambling thought process. It is always tempting to fill silent interludes with words whether necessary or not. Given a chance these long-winded people take over the conversation and do not allow others to express their opinion. They do not read the body languages or the non verbal clues of their listeners and keep talking not always relevant to the topic under discussion. I have seen people moving away when these bores join the group.

This set me thinking whether silence is a virtue and if it were so why this virtue is the most disregarded one.We should practice silence even amidst the busy surroundings. We need not talk continuously or give our opinion on all issues. It is enough if we listen unless required to speak out by the exigencies of office or situation. In fact silence is at times more powerful than spoken words. Such self effacing people as my friend command more respect than chatterboxes and are relied with confidences. In the midst of noises from loud talking, blaring music, honking of vehicles, all around us from all sources, there is a greater need for silence. In order to control one’s mouth and what one says requires great effort and achieved by very few. We cannot in search of silence rush to the forests or uninhabited places. We have to find the inner peace in the places where we live and work. Practising long periods of silence, although difficult initially, brings inner solace and peace. All the religions emphasise the importance of silence towards spiritual progess.It is only in the stillness and silence that there can be communion with the Ultimate. For this purpose meditation is practised to obtain this sense of tranquillity and inner calm. One can feel the powerful presence of God only in solitude which means keeping away from the distractions and noises of day to day life. Only “these two virtues, silence and solitude, enable us to transcend the emptiness of our life.” Prayer enables one to achieve this skill to drown the outer noises and sink into silence.

Silence is beneficial in many other ways. It prevents impulsive outbursts and the inevitable regrets later. It relieves the person from stressful situations and allows him to deliberate clearly and confidently on the issues. Those who practise silence turn out to be good listeners.

“The power of silence leads to a heightening of thought, of creativity and of understanding. It makes for a dynamic balance in our daily lives. For a few moments during, the day, let the world go by. In the words of revered Buddhist seeker, Lama Angarika Govinda: “You listen and hear the Silence /You listen and smell the Silence/You listen and taste the Silence/You listen and feel the embrace of the Silence.”

kpartha12@hotmail.com

http://www.kparthas.blogspot.com/

Times have changed, so have values

by KParthasarathi 05 Jan 2009

http://content.msn.co.in/MSNContribute/Story.aspx?PageID=b9953cf2-f5c2-429a-9693-95a5d627c7e1

When I was a young boy of fifteen years a few decades back, a beggar woman used to come twice a week in the mornings. She was young with a chiselled face, sharp features and quite attractive. What irritated my mom and sisters was that she was always scantily dressed with a low neck blouse that showed her cleavage and exposed her voluptuous bosoms partly. She carried a small baby nursing the child even though it was two years or more. She was draped in a towel like cloth that was short in length and torn in places revealing her thighs. She will not go until she was given some change. She will call “Ayya, ayya’ inviting the men folk to witness her pitiable condition. The moment I hear her voice, there will be a spate of calls from my sisters and mom”Partha, don’t come out. Stay where you are. That shameless woman is here.” They will hurriedly give her some change to send her away quickly. But she would linger and cast sideways glance to see whether any eyes are looking at her. My curiosity aroused I will invariably peep through the window to see her who would be partially hidden by the plants and the walls.
My mother gave her two saris and a few blouses asking her to wear them whenever she came out to beg. But she would not use them and come in the same insufficiently dressed manner. When admonished by mom at her shamelessness, she would reply, “Amma, sorry, please do not mistake me. Unless I come in this way, people do not give alms. The moment I enter a house, the ladies rush to give me money and send me away to save me from the prying eyes of their husbands and grown up sons. I wear the clothes you gave while at my home.” My mom would tell her “Your logic is strange. Can you show your skin to earn money? Why don’t you work in some household and earn an honest living?” She would reply “Amma, I belong to gypsy community. My man would not allow me to work in other houses. We keep shifting base frequently. In the afternoons I make necklaces with cheap but colourful beads and he sells them. I am good woman and faithful to my man.” The logic and values of well-to-do never applied to them. It is a tough world posing challenges to the poor people. Extreme poverty drives some people to compromise on some values.
This set me thinking about the present days when nothing seems to shock us. Obscenity manifests in various ways. The extent of sexual depravity and extreme vulgarity has assumed alarming proportions. The obscenity prevalent in films, disco bars, advertisements, internet, literature and everywhere have numbed our minds. Voyeurism is an accepted habit amongst youngsters. Blue films and live shows take place stealthily. Cinema theatres slip in obscene clips in between film scenes to attract crowd. Some lament that the commercialisation of entertainment and media industry has posed a serious threat to our culture.
The problem is the widely differing perceptions of what is obscene and what is not. What is obscene to X is not to Y.The cancellation of licenses to bar dances in Mumbai invited mixed reactions. The definition of anything ‘impure, indecent and lewd” is itself subject to different interpretations even in the courts of law. They are subjective in nature as no clear guidelines are possible. Possibly the test of obscenity should be ”whether the tendency of the matter charged as obscenity is to deprave and corrupt those whose minds are open to such immoral influences and into whose hands a publication of this sort may fall” or to whose eyes the offending object/person may be open. But who is to judge, the government or the society? The beggar woman may not after all be considered today to offend the sensibilities of the prudes and the puritans.
Could it be that the more we hide more the curiosity to see? The women in US and Europe clad in scanty bikinis in the beaches attract no ugly stares as is common here. They are there in malls, parks, restaurants and everywhere in skimpy dresses not seen in these parts. There are always some elements even there who obtain pleasure in oggling.Be that as it may, the values have changed a lot and differ from place to place and country to country. There is nothing absolute about them and depends upon one’s predilictions.
Uni-sex dresses unheard of a few decades back are the in thing. The girls from decent homes, who twenty years ago would not come out without a duppatta covering their chest and a loose full length skirt, come today dressed in tight fitting jeans and tighter fitting sleeveless T shirts. It shocks us no more and has become accepted gear worn by all.
Obscenity to my mind is relative and keeps changing with times and generations. The types of relationships that would shudder us a couple of decades back like live-in-relationships, gay/lesbian marriages have all come to be regarded as normal with the governments of the day eager to give them certain legitimacy and legality. Post and pre marital relationships are very widely prevalent thanks to the internet and the wide opportunities to both genders to mix and socialize. They are regarded commonplace occurrences now and do not jolt anymore. The weakening of religion, spiritual values and the erosion of the stature of its leaders are also contributory factors to these changes. The lure of easy money is irresistible tempting everyone to compromise on cherished values. Whether they are welcome or not depend on one’s perception? Can anyone hazard a guess what would be the scenario two decades hence?
Kpartha12@hotmail.com
www.kparthas.blogspot.com

On being considerate to spouse

by KParthasarathi 31 Dec 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/MSNContribute/Story.aspx?PageID=66c49b17-d42f-42b2-a0b8-d43e31881a7d

Imagine a scenario where both the husband and his young wife are working. Both leave for office early after a breakfast of cereals, bread toast, fruit juice/tea and come late only. The wife comes around 7pm and the husband around 8pm. They have the lunch at office. The husband expects a three course full- fledged dinner in the night. On Sundays he tells his wife the special dishes he has a weakness for. She is also working in a private company where the work is demanding and exacting. She goes early and tries to return earlier than 7pm to prepare dinner. She gets totally exhausted by the time she finishes the work. He comes around 8pm equally tired and worn out. He is famished and rushes to the dining table after a quick wash. She would like to rest in bed for half an hour but cannot. There are no hugs on meeting each other, no holding of the hands or even a gentle touch but only a faint smile. After dinner he watches TV and she reads novels and both fall into sleep soon after.

Sundays are bugbear for wife with so much to do. She would expect her spouse to help her voluntarily in the chores of the house when he would be busy with computer downloading some stuff or uploading pictures/music. He would be talking interminably with his buddies or relatives on his mobile. He would be unaware of what his wife is doing. The doing of dishes, loading the dishwasher, putting the old clothes in washing machine separately for white and coloured,taking out the garbage and dumping it in allotted bins, ironing his own clothes, dusting and vacuuming the house and minor errands like visiting grocer are all that cannot be handled by the wife alone. She wouldn’t ask him feeling that he should be aware of the need to help out. He would be occupied with his own work and assume that there is nothing for him to assist her as she had not sought his help. In such a situation resentments turn into subdued anger. They are not communicated properly but in body languages that are mostly misunderstood. Over a period of time an emotional chasm builds up between them, affecting gradually love, romance and physical intimacy. Ego plays a large part in such a denouement. The problem lies in both not communicating their disappointments in cordial manner then and there instead of nursing the grievance inside. The expectations should be told specifically without making it appear as a command.

There is another cause for resentment. One of the spouses mostly, the wife, would expect the other to be always by his/her side anticipating and meeting all their needs. However close the couple are, each one of them need their own private space. It is virtually be impossible to cater to one person as there would be others to reach for in official, social and personal spheres. The husband may have his own binge sessions with his buddies, bridge tournaments and tennis/golf or whatever while the wife may have her own friends, kitty parties, and social circle while to confine either of them always to the other would rob the variety in life and make one dependent on the other. Different people have different skills which we may need and which cannot be provided by the spouse like in music, investment advice, spiritual needs, culinary/arts, and games.

The most important contributory factor for resentment is lack of communication. The usual response would be if he/she loved me why I should ask. However close the couple are it would not be possible to know all the expectations of each other. They do not have the powers to divine the thoughts in others minds. That would not mean they love each other less. Some are sharp to observe but many take things for granted unless asked specifically. It is therefore necessary to have frank chats in intimate surroundings during postprandial walks or while lying in the bed before sleep. The talks should not be inhibited by shyness or cut short by abrasive responses. There should be an open mind, a willingness to listen carefully and to genuinely understand the other point of view. There cannot be total agreement on all issues and a fair and reasonable give and take policy should be adopted. Questions need to be asked and an effort made to understand the way the other partner is thinking. At the end of the conversation there should be a feeling of coming closer and strengthening of the bond. Sharing of the concerns, the burden of the house, a trust and openness in all dealings are prerequisites for a harmonious living. It cannot be one person’s responsibility.

When the wife has cooked a splendid meal, it is not enough to enjoy the meal and stuff the stomach but it should be preceded by remarks of genuine appreciation. Frequent pats on the back are great motivators. Likewise the wife must learn to applaud the work of the husband even of day to day nature like mowing the lawn, cleaning the attic or trimming the hedges. Respect for each other even where they do not see eye to eye fosters greater agreement eventually.

One of the partners may have certain skills the other lacks and this one may not have the strengths the other one has. The differences should be acknowledged and should never be a point of ridicule.

The spouse or the family have their own priority and commitments for taking them out or going on a holiday or visiting relatives/friends should not be broken on other grounds like invitation to a party in office or cocktail by friends or some official work unless earth shattering. One must learn to say no to such invitations to show respect to spouse.

“Harmonious family living is about creating open communication, respect and even discipline. A household can be peaceful without being silent! It is about respecting each other, treating each individual as an individual, being consistent with your boundaries and communicating in an effective manner”.

Kpartha12@hotmail.com

www.kparthas.blogspot.com .

Let us take a 'mental shower' daily

- by KParthasarathi 25 Aug 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/MSNContribute/Story.aspx?PageID=4053f1e7-eeee-435b-8fb9-3c63db2c4e93

I do get motivated but off and on. It is never permanent. When I listen to a motivating talk by a professional, I decide to stay motivated and plan to do things differently. But I find in a couple of days that I have gone back to my old ways, mostly negative. Why is it, I ask myself, motivation cannot be permanent. Possibly it is not expected to remain so without some effort on our part.

I read a book recently comparing motivation to a bath. Bathing once does not remove the dirt permanently. We take bath daily to remove the accumulated dirt and bacteria with soap and shampoo. We come out clean, fresh and with fragrance depending upon the soap we use. But this lasts only for a short time. We take bath daily and even twice depending upon the grime and dirt we gather during the day. We wish to come out refreshed and clean.

But our mind gets dirtied daily with all negative and undesirable thoughts. We keep on gathering them layer upon layer without any ‘bathing’ to get rid of them. Motivating the mind is like a daily shower intended to remove the stinking thoughts in our mind and to replace them with fragrant positive thoughts. Nobody need ever reminds us to take the bath and likewise none needs to tell us that we should motivate ourselves. If we fail to do, the wrong attitudes harden themselves making it difficult to remove them easily

Let us resolve to take the ‘mental shower’ daily and exercise our brain in flushing out the unwanted attitudes by reading inspiring books of great authors, listening to lectures of people who can make a difference and spending time with positive minded good persons. This ‘mental shower’ would keep us focused on the right goals and make our lives worthwhile. kpartha12@hotmail.com

Fear of failure

- by KParthasarathi 11 Aug 2008

http://content.msn.co.in/MSNContribute/Story.aspx?PageID=f678d9a2-735d-4ce3-9c49-f40fe8e2318c

I was once asked to address a large group of workers and employees on target setting. Generally workers fear stiff targets and would be happy with a comfortable figure that they can achieve without strain. I began the talk with an illustration. I asked the audience how many of them would be able to walk on a large diameter pipe of 24 inches diameter lying on the ground. We have all walked easily as kids on the roadside kerbs. Everyone lifted their hands. I asked them how many would run on the pipe. Most signalled they can. I then asked them that if I place securely the pipe between two tall buildings at 40 feet above the ground, how many would walk on it. Not one hand went up. There was an uneasy silence. I reminded them that it was the same pipe of same width on which they said earlier they could run but with a change only in the location. But they felt they would surely fall down. The reason for unwillingness is the fear of failure. The mind is capable of wreaking havoc or bringing out wonders. If you fill the mind with fear, it robs you of the power to succeed. Fear paralyses the mind and prepares it for failure. The thinking facility goes haywire and self confidence is destroyed. It is only the fear of falling that prepared them for a certain fall. I told them if they think they can, they will certainly accomplish whatever the target be, so long as they are not unrealistic. What is needed is a positive frame of mind along with an abiding faith in their ability. Most of us fear failure because of inadequacy in our own effort, likely criticism, fall in the opinion of others and possible rejection. While the successful do not allow the fear of failure to constrain them, most of us get incapacitated by the mere thought of failing. Before Edison successfully produced the bulb, he failed thousand times. He was not defeated as he didn’t consider them as failures but thousand ways to find the correct method. He profited by not repeating the mistakes and he never quit. Most of the unsuccessful persons drop the idea at the first sign of failure. Successful people do not give up. They persevere avoiding the pitfalls of the earlier attempts. The best example of perseverance is Abraham Lincoln. Born in indigent circumstances, he had a string of failures. He lost eight elections, failed in business twice and to cap it all he had a nervous breakdown. Despite all these, he never quit as most of us would have done. He was not afraid of failure. Because he did not quit, he became one of the illustrious presidents of America. Our own Mahatma Gandhi is another example of fearlessness and a success story.

Let us understand that fear is one great reason for holding us back from our full potential. We try to play safe and most often miss the good opportunities that come our way. One must realise that without taking certain amount of risk we cannot exploit the opportunities that present themselves before us. We would live in the security of risk free life but without achieving substantially anything of note. I read about a few ways to overcome such fear.

Take calculated risks: It is not jumping blindly into anything without examining the pros and cons. Every proposition has certain uncertainty be it business or finding a partner for life. All things do not unfold before us in the first instance. If you think about the likely loss of a missed opportunity against playing safe, you may be in a better position to evaluate the risk. There is no free lunch, the price being the calculated risk. Despite all this one may fail but that is part of life’s game.

Unknown risks: Most of the fear is because of unknown risks. You find a pretty girl for matrimony but not sure whether she would be compatible with you, whether she would get along with others in your family, whether she can manage the house within your income and not have extravagant habits, whether she is good natured, whether she would work to augment income, whether she would be willing to raise a family etc.Most of these can be resolved by a little bit of research about her family and its antecedents and by a frank discussion with the girl. The fear vanishes once you have more information. Lack of knowledge is the origin of vague fear.

What can happen if you fail: Assuming that you fail by taking the risk, evaluate the cost of business failure and whether you can recover it or go down irretrievably. It is likely the worst case scenario may not be as scary as it initially appeared and the risk may after all be worth taking instead of a missed opportunities. It would be good to have an alternative plan at the back of our mind if we are not fortunate. That may give confidence. But persevere unmindful of the initial hurdles and possibly doing things in different ways as Edison did.

Plunge into action: Once you have examined the issue carefully plunge boldly into decisive action. There should be no vacillation after the action has begun. Once we are in the thick of action the fear vanishes just like the initial fear of taking bath in cold water in a river receding.Proceed carefully but surely forward.

Never look back: I read in an article that the Greek armies after travelling across seas to conquer other lands burnt their boats once they got down.. This gave the Greek soldiers the only option of winning to avoid dying at the hands of the local armies. They invariably won. The moral is not to look back and march ahead with confidence. Fear of failure vanishes like snowflakes in sun when it realises it has no scope to invade your mind.

Kpartha12@hotmail.com

Kill the negative by cultivating the positive

by KParthasarathi 07 Aug 2008

http://content.msn.co.in/MSNContribute/Story.aspx?PageID=9033325a-6712-493e-9c33-c92b57fac8dd
. It is a common trait in all of us to get defeated when things go wrong. It is rarely we come across persons who can smile in such circumstances. But a person who can smile and remain cool and collected when he faces adversity is generally a winner. He is not cowed down when things go wrong but finds ways to overcome the hurdles. But most people spread misery when they fail making others also miserable. I had a colleague in my younger days. We were required to pass a departmental examination to be eligible for futher promotion. This guy failed twice and was always crying that his juniors had overtaken him without any real attempt on his part to improve his performance. Initially people sympathised with him but started avoiding him when he spread gloom around. He finally made the grade after two more attempts but had to wait for his elevation for want of a vacancy. Instead of rejoicing at his success in the examination, he started whining that he was not promoted. He got that too after a few months which should have normally made him happy. It did not lighten his heart. But instead he radiated his misery telling that his juniors have gone above him and that his further promotions would be delayed. There are some like this man born to be miserable in whatever circumstances they are placed. While it is one’s prerogative to be happy or sad, no one has the right to make others unhappy with his sob stories.

In fact some have vicarious pleasure in being miserable like my another acquaintance who would constantly talk about his health problems , his ailments, his test reports, his visits to various specialists and hospitals that you would instantly feel getting the smell of chloroform when he is around. His constant refrain on diseases and medicines made him morose and gloomy inviting further ailments. Friends avoided him whenever possible. Even when participating in joyous games like cricket there are players who pull long faces when they fail to make big scores or take wickets. They get depressed and worry about the next selection leading to fits of blues and further failures. They should take heart that even a Tendulkar doesn’t score centuries in all matches and only in about thirty percent of matches he scores fifty or above. These purveyors of misery become victims of their moods and as a result often to fail to succeed. This is prevalent in every section of human activity. The society also detests the company of such persons as in the case of an elderly relative known to me. When everyone in the house opts for a pizza dinner, he would insist on his rice and sambar.When others want to watch the finals of French Open, he would demand to see his favourite serial. When everyone wants to go on a picnic he will feign indisposition and want someone to stay back. He was always complaining unhappy with weather, about neighbours and about everything around him. He would be unaware of his negative approach. In contrast there was his wife who was a diabetic and of delicate health but endowed with boundless enthusiasm and optimsm.Whenever she was present in the room with her radiant and smiling face ,her cheerful spirit caught on others like a contagion bringing laughter and mirth all around. We have never heard her complaining and always brushed aside questions about her health. The lady would adjust herself to any situation as the company demanded putting her personal preferences in the backburner.

I have read in a book The Secrets by Rhonda Byrne that thoughts are like magnets attracting things like themselves. If you think of failure or poverty or ailment, such thoughts would only bring them. If your thoughts are negative and filled with fear of failure, they will smother your efforts and neutralise all your work making success a remote possibility. The mind prepares you on the basis of what you think. One must develop the habit of thinking positively with full faith instead of being assailed by doubts and uncertainties. The mind then prepares for success. Banish thoughts of what you fear. If you wish to be rich, do not think of poverty. If you wish to succeed in examination in flying colours, do not harbour uncertainty in your mind. Go to the examination with optimism. Repeatedly affirm what you want be it health, wealth or happiness.

The story of Dasari Pradeep Kumar, an Andhra boy, born in cobbler’s family in indigent circumstances making to IIT by sheer perseverance and hard work is a lesson that unfavourable circumstances can be overcome with a positive outlook and hard work.Naga Naresh Karutura who joined Google after his IIT is another case of adversity overcome by determination. What is so special about IIT boy joining Google, one may ask? So many do, no doubt. But Naresh is special. His parents are illiterate. He has no legs and moves around in his powered wheel chair. Many would have been defeated by such cruel misfortune and reconciled to a humdrum life. Not this young man who is ever smiling and optimistic.

The secret behind the success of many such people however black the outlook is that they refused to accept anything unfavourable to them as their lot but worked their way up with a positive frame of mind.”The craving for something higher and better is the best possible antidote or remedy for the lower tendencies which one wishes to get rid of.” The motto should be “kill the negative by cultivating the positive.” Kpartha12@hotmail.com

Let us foster moral courage

by KParthasarathi Wednesday, June 04, 2008

http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6999.htm
When I was a young boy studying in class 6, there was a heavily built bully in the class. Being the son of the class teacher he ran amuck doing things that pleased him with none bold enough to question him or complain against him. He stole lunch boxes and took away from the school bags of others whatever he desired. He beat the weak boys and frequently pushed a polio affected boy without any provocation. The poor teacher was not aware of the misdeeds of this bully as none informed him. It was a hot summer. There was a big earthen pot kept in the corner of the class room. The water boy filled the pot with water each morning before the classes commenced. There was a brass tumbler kept by the side of the pot. The boys slaked their thirst in between the two classes. It so happened one day the bully commanded one boy to fetch him the water in the tumbler. The boy ignored him and after drinking the water came back to his seat. The bully roared” how dare you disobey me? If you do not get me water within the next minute, I will make you pay for it.” The boy did not move. All the other boys watched anxiously suppressing their glee at his defiance. The bully got up in anger and thrashed the boy. He took the black board wiper and hit the pot breaking it into pieces with all the water spilling out. It was a little later the class teacher entered and saw the damage. He took the cane in his hand and asked generally who broke the pot. There was a deafening silence. The bully stood up and said that the boy who refused to give him the water broke the pot in anger as others were drinking water and he did not get the tumbler when he wanted. The good teacher lost his temper unusually and beat the boy once when there was a sudden shriek ”Stop it, Sir”. Everyone turned towards the direction of the voice. It was the polio affected boy. He said “Sir, the pot was broken by your son in anger as that boy refused to bring him water. Your son beat the boy also. He is tormenting us daily in several ways.”The teacher looked at the class and asked “Is it true? You do not have to fear him or me. Answer truthfully.” All the boys en masse shouted ”Yes, sir” in affirmative. The teacher full of remorse at his rash behaviour rubbed the boy’s arm and asked him to take his seat. He called the polio affected boy to his side and affectionately put his arm around him and said “I really appreciate your speaking out the truth. I do not know why all the others did not have the courage as you have. I am thankful to you.” He called his son near him and caned him thrice telling that he was ashamed of him.
The point of this story is that most of us lack the moral courage to stand up to injustice wherever we see. While the soldiers who fight the war, the firemen who fight the raging fires and the policemen controlling a violent mob are all courageous in the course of their duty, ordinary people remain mute witnesses to the atrocities out of fear. The daring few whistle blowers pay heavy price for their courage in this unethical system. While individually we cannot fight the corrupt politicians, the greedy mafia, the defrauding traders, we should collectively raise our voice of protest at the appropriate times. I have read that ‘moral courage is not just an intellectual exercise. Having the strength to do what is right when faced with difficult decisions is key to being an ethical leader.” If the ration shop or a petrol bunk deals with adulterated goods, we must have the courage to appeal to the consumer protection organisation. If the auto driver fleeces you, you must stand up for your right and take a public bus than succumb to his unreasonable demand. It is difficult and inconvenient too but we must at some stage learn lessons from great leaders like Mahatma Gandhi or a Nelson Mandela. The latter had said that "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." We should teach our children by personal example in the ordinary daily transactions about the values of integrity and moral character. Even in the sphere of games, how many players have the willingness to walk without waiting for the umpire’s ruling when they know they are out? We must develop the strength to stand up for what we believe. Our actions should be based on our ethical values and willingness to undergo hardships and even face some risks. We should not be willing accessories to manipulative bosses in office, cunning politicians during elections and corrupt bureaucrats in our dealings. It is high time that schools set apart an hour for moral instruction to children even from the small classes to build a nation of high moral fibre.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com

Spare the rod,spoil the child-does it work?

-by KParthasarathi Wednesday, May 28, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6889.htm
I remember I was eleven studying in elementary school. A class mate of mine took me to what he called a library in the first floor of an old building in the main bazaar. My vague memory tells me that there was none in the library. It was actually an office for a small political party. Someone must have made a bequest of all his old books long ago. The attendant possibly opened the office cum library and left on his errands only to come back in the evening to lock it. It had several open racks containing very old books of the great authors like Scott, Dickens, Dumas, Goldsmith, and Shakespeare etc of the past. The books were all so brittle that the pages would get broken. My friend asked me to take some books I wanted to read even as he collected two books. Since I knew then very little of English or the authors, I took the first book that was before me. It happened to be a large well bound book of Walter Scott’s poems with the title in gold letters. I vaguely heard his name but never knew whether he wrote poems. When I asked my pal who would issue the books, he said that nobody is there and I can take the books home and return later after reading. It occurred to me that it was not the right thing to do and yet when my friend started to leave with two books in hand, I succumbed to the temptation and left the place with the book tucked under my arm. In the evening when my father saw the big tome on my table, he took it even as bits of pages fell down. He was initially happy and asked me where from I got the book, I said from library. Further searching questions brought out the fact of my having brought the book without anyone’s knowledge. He became wild in rage and with a cane hit me in the leg shouting that I had turned into a petty thief. I could see the pain in my mother’s face at the revelation. He ordered me to replace the book wherever I took it from the first thing in the morning. When I mumbled about the school, he said it did not matter and that I could go late. His anger and his caning me are still fresh in my memory even after several decades as also the lesson I learnt at that young age.

Most parents would have encountered this problem of the child stealing be it writing instrument in the school or play things like toys or balls from friends. Some laugh at the errant behaviour as if the child was smart. When it sees a toy in another’s house, it takes it without permission, plays with it and brings it with him along unless the parents tell him to leave it behind as it belongs to another child. If the child is very young it has no idea that things are owned and belong to others. But from the age of nine or so , the child knows that it is wrong to steal others belongings. But yet a few indulge in this as they cannot control themselves from the desire to possess what they do not have. It is the responsibility of the parents to inculcate the lesson that stealing is reprehensible and would not be tolerated under any circumstances. There should be zero tolerance for this deviation. In some cases the child will rationalize the act on the plea that he found a pen on the floor in the class and since none had reported the teacher of any loss, he brought it with him. He is right in a way that he did not steal but still he possessed what did not belong to him and was someone else’s. The mother should explain the proper course would be to hand over the thing found to the teacher. She should explain how honest taxi or auto drivers or bus conductors hand over the baggage that contain money or valuable things left behind in the vehicles forgetfully to the authorities. Without accusing them, the children must be made to return the things to the teacher and not keep them. The lesson should be taught in a calm and firm manner preferably privately and not in the presence of other siblings or children. If child does it again, it should be punished immediately after the incident so that it can relate the punishment to the wrong, as often as it does the mistake, with no favouritism to different children. Once punished this matter should be treated as closed and not brought up on every occasion to demean the child. Such act would be destructive. ”Nip it in the bud” should be the right approach to be adopted. Parents may also have to find what sort of friends the child has to wean it away from bad elements. While children should generally be led to good practices by encouragement and explaining, and not by spanking or ill treatment, one should be remember the adage ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ .It would be good to instill in the child’s mind that it continues to enjoy the full trust of his parents and their belief that the child is honest. The parents should be role models. The father bringing office stationery for use by children or the mother accepting quietly a costlier dress given by mistake to a cheaper one actually bought and paid for are all watched by children only to be emulated. The parents should teach by their personal example.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com
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What is our response to gay movement?

by KParthasarathi Tuesday, May 20, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6792.htm
There was the upsetting news item of two married women who were lesbians committing suicide as they were not allowed to be together. Whether we like t or not the prevalence of gays/lesbians is wide spread. In fact two states in US have legitimized it amidst strong opposition to it. In our country too leading and famous Indian writers, artists, lawyers and academics are lending support to the cause of gays. It appears they are urging the Indian government to change the existing law that criminalizes homosexuality by scrapping Section 377 of Indian Penal code that can put the gays in prison up to 10 years. They have deplored this section “as an attack on human rights and fundamental freedoms” calling it as a relic of the past colonial era and demanded it to be struck down. They have perhaps drawn inspiration from what is happening in developed countries, particularly US. There is a substantial percentage of people who would like to move along with the fast spreading social changes and do away with the vestiges of the past legal and social discrimination.
Although the practice of same sex relationship is widespread, it is generally never open and has not gained universal acceptance. Except for younger generation, the conservatives among the people who form a sizable number generally talked of such associations in hushed tones as perverse and socially unacceptable. There is even a sense of abhorrence in what is perceived as against traditional values and social mores.
But the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts, in its landmark judgment went to the extent of permitting gays to marry legally. The court struck down as “unconstitutional" the existing ban on same-sex marriages as limiting of marriages to opposite couples is restrictive of the freedom and equality protected by the constitution. The court held that “barring an individual from the protections, benefits, and obligations of civil marriage solely because that person would marry a person of the same sex” is violative of the Constitution. Showing the way the wind is blowing.
However people are vastly divided on this issue with about two thirds of the population considering this relationship as unnatural and undeserving of equal treatment to straight relationships. While the US courts have generally been liberal in interpreting laws, the road to legalization of same sex marriages does not appear smooth. There is a section that believes that judiciary can only interpret the laws and not rewrite them. There is even a strong lobby that espouses a case for federal constitutional amendment to define marriage as between a man and woman.
The argument runs along the premise that objective of marriage is to bring in union of a man and a woman so that they procreate providing the offspring a father and a mother. Any other relationship purely based on carnal desires will eventually tear the fabric of society irreparably. It is feared that gay/lesbian recognition will ruin the concept of marriage and the sanctity of family forever. Notwithstanding this opposition, there are many liberals in state governments in US who are pleading for a constitutional amendment providing for legal same-sex marriages the same privileges as enjoyed by heterosexual couples in regard to tax provisions, immigration, and inheritance.
Whatever is the legal position, homosexuality is a fact that cannot be wished away and large numbers of same sex couples do live together in India too without any inhibition. The road to a total acceptance of same sex relationship and marriage of gays and lesbians as equal to heterogeneous unions in the eyes of law and legislatures is not without its hurdles. More so in a country like India steeped in ancient culture and conservative outlook. Such relationships between two consenting adults are untested social experiments and have the potential of damaging the very social fabric of society.
Nevertheless the resistance to such aberrations is gradually weakening and the unnatural phenomenon is spreading across the world without any distinction bringing in its wake a host of new social problems. There is a sense of resignation and an attitude of “Live and let live” seems to take over unable to stop the gathering momentum of acts that were once considered immoral. Perhaps there should be a public debate on this.
kpartha12@hotmail.com

Do you and your family get invited for dinner ?

by KParthasarathi Monday, May 05, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6588.htm
I am a loner not given to making friends easily and am also a poor conversationalist. I had a few friends in the office but the friendships did not extend beyond the office precincts. My wife on the other hand had a large circle of friends-the other moms who had gathered at the school for taking their children home, the housewives of the apartment complex and the neighbouring flats who met in the afternoons, ladies whom they met at the music classes where their children learnt and so on. She had grown to like one lady in particular and my daughters were friendly with her children. She had invited them one day for a dinner after making sure that I would return home early. The friend’s husband was working in an engineering firm. He seemed a nice fellow but pot bellied, garrulous and talked on every subject as if he was an authority on it. He was however friendly in disposition and humorous in conversation interspersed with loud laughter. He must be an affectionate father as his children fell over him and hugged him at intermittent intervals. He reminded me of a bull in China shop. The lady seemed quiet and talked in whispers. They had one boy and two good looking girls. They sat in the sofa quietly for the first few minutes till the introduction was over and soon in the company of my daughters had a free run of the house.
My wife had large spread on the table, more than the normal, possibly to impress her friend at her culinary skill in Punjabi cuisine. There were the parathas with stuffings of gobi and muli ,fried rice ,palak paneeer ,dal makhni flavoured with spices and rounded off with malai, channa pindi, sarson ka sag, a couple of vegetables,raita,papad,achaar, kheer and icecream..When we all assembled at the dining table, one of the girls exclaimed, ”Ma, see how large a quantity aunty has made unlike you in our house..“ The lady’s face fell as she gave a cold stare at her younger daughter. Meanwhile the boy wailed to everyone’s embarrassment ’Ma, I do not like muli roti and channa pindi, There is also no khadi.” The elder one who appeared quiet reached for the glass tumbler to drink water and spilt it on the table. The lady guest scolded her “you butter finger, did I not warn you in advance to be careful? See what a mess you have made.” As she rushed to wipe the water, my wife said “do not worry. It happens with children. I will take care of it.” I could see my children giggling with their hands on their mouths till I gave an admonishing stare.
Even before my wife indicated that we can start eating, the boy started picking the salad and eating it noisily. When his mom asked him to wait, he said with his mouth full that he was hungry. To assuage the feelings of the embarrassed guest, I said that I am also hungry. The dinner started and there was the usual chatter. They seemed to relish the food from the way they helped themselves by repeated scoopings.It was then the gentleman blew his nose loudly and fumbled with his hankie in one hand. Though all these did not make a favourable impression on us, I could see the embarrassed look in my wife’s and her friend’s faces. As if to crown all these, there was the loud belching from the satisfied guest. The boy said he will have ice cream as kheer is not nice and too sweet for his taste. The girls helped themselves to a second cup of kheer that compensated for the rude remark of the boy. The father with a couple of paans in his mouth and with a tooth pick in his hand was picking unmindful of the others.
Little do some families know that table manners can break or build friendships. They do not realize that some basic etiquette is to be observed to make everyone comfortable. The children should be trained and taught in their homes that and such courtesies are to be observed even in the homes. Table manners are not about the way we eat whether with forks and spoons or with fingers. One can do what one is comfortable with. The main thing is that at the end of the dinner or lunch, one should have left a nice impression. A little care, a little concern for the host and other guests would go a long way in getting invited again and again.Loudness,noisy eating or slurping, licking the fingers, over eating by repeated helpings without seeing whether there is sufficient quantity left for others on the plate, blowing noses,belching, talking with full mouth and picking teeth are strict no. Unpleasant comments on the food served, wasting food on one’s plate and leaving the plate cluttered with uneaten food are not desirable traits. It will be nice to make some small comments of appreciation of any item one liked to make the host happy. My wife may think twice before inviting this friend of hers again for dinner though the family was nice and friendly.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com

Where is 'equality for all' ?

-by KParthasarathi Monday, April 21, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/News/UCStory6451.htm
The recent controversy over the naming of the airport at Hyderabad betrayed the unseemly enthusiasm of the Congress to name it after Rajiv Gandhi. The Telugu Desam party was justified in opposing this. It has always been the practice to name the airports after the famous local leaders. Mumbai airport is named after Chatrapathi Shivaji and the one at Nagpur has Dr Ambedkar’s while Kolkata airport bears the name of Subash Chandra Bose. Chennai airport remembers Anna and Kamaraj by naming the two terminals after them.Ahmedabad is named after Sardar Vallabhai Patel while the capital’s airport carries the name of Indira Gandhi. Amritsar carries the name of Ranjit Singh. Why then deprive Andhras alone their genuine desire to name their airport after their local leader? Congress refuses to learn their lesson from the past mistakes. The people of Andhra value their Telugu pride very much.TDP itself came about as a result of the hurt when a Telugu Chief Minister was insulted publicly.Telugu atma gauravam (Telugu self respect) became NTR’s popular slogan. To ignore and ride roughshod over their plea to retain NTR’s name is to provoke the Telugus needlessly. This is bound to hand over TDP a cause to fight for and hurt the Congress.
The question also arises why every airport, building or institution or social schemes should be named after the members of single family alone. India does not mean Nehru and his family only. I am sure Sonia Gandhi would not want that all institutions and buildings be named after her family members. It should be the result of the misguided enthusiasm of her acolytes thinking that such a measure would please her. Perhaps she should publicly announce her distaste for naming all and everything after the names of her family members lest the people think that these things are done at her behest.
It is not that the nation does not have tall leaders other than the members of Nehru-Gandhi family. Just see a sample list of schemes under Rajiv Gandhi’s name alone. Rajiv Gandhi National Creche Scheme for the children of working mothers, Rajiv Gandhi National Fellowship for SC/ST candidates, Rajiv Gandhi National Awards Scheme for Original Book Writing, Rajiv Gandhi Bharat Samvrudhi Yojana-Rajiv Gandhi National Institute of Youth Development, Rajiv Gandhi National Drinking Water Mission, Rajiv Gandhi Bhawan, , Rajiv Gandhi Udayam Mitra Yojana, Rajiv Gandhi Grameen Vidytikaran Yojana (RGGVY, Rajiv Gandhi National University of Law, Rajiv Gandhi foundation,Rajiv Gandhi shiksha Mission,Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna Award,Rajiv Gandhi shelter scheme,Rajiv Gandhi Handicrafts Bhawan,Rajiv Gandhi Computer Saksharta Mission, Rajiv Gandhi National Park, Rajiv Gandhi Swavlamban Rozgar Yojna, Rajiv Gandhi Rehabilitation package for fishermen,Rajiv Gandhi University, Rajiv Gandhi National Quality Awards. And now Rajiv Gandhi International airport. The above list is only illustrative and not exhaustive. I have a high regard for Rajiv who had the right impulses and the passion initially to set things right but could not do so for various reasons. All the same our love for a leader or leaders should not become an obsession. There were/are equally capable leaders who are no less worthy. The names for land marks/institutions should not be mired in controversies. The ruling party may be under the impression that the credit for the schemes could be appropriated for the party with the name of its leaders. People are no more politically naïve and are aware which government brought what scheme and are not deluded by mere names. How long would it take for new dispensation when it comes to power to change all names? The best course would be not to use any name of political leaders at all. Where there is such a desire to name after a politician, it would be ideal to have a consensus with the major opposition parties.
We boast ourselves as the largest and vibrant democracy with equal opportunity for one and all but at the same time expose our slavish mentality in eulogizing members of just one family however deserving they may be as if the rest of illustrious Indians do not account for much in our scheme of things. The high command of the Congress that boasts itself as a 'democratic and secular' party is pretty anxious that none in their ranks shall do or say anything that would injure the felicity of the members of the' first family’. The top leaders of the party would expect a deferential silence to and unqualified acceptance of the wishes of the supremo.In such an ambience where is the hope for 'equality for all' in our country.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com

Vanishing tribe of general practitioners

-by KParthasarathi Saturday, April 19, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6420.htm
When I was a young boy we had an elderly family physician who was someone more than a family friend. He knew every member of the family, what their regular problems were and their general state of health. A kindly soul he did not seek any publicity except for his name board showing his name and his MBBS qualification. A room in the front portion served as a consulting room and the one behind used for dressing and for making medicines. Although he had prescribed hours for consultation and dispensing, he was always available for emergencies unless he was out on visit to his patients. There will be a crowd of patients sitting on the benches both in his consulting room and outside in the verandah.There was a stool by his side where the patient will sit and relate his complaints. There was no privacy. Everyone can hear unless spoken in whisper. A jovial man he would ask questions to his own mirth and that of the waiting patients. There will be the inevitable physical examination and reading of the temperature. He relied mostly on his diagnostic skill and rarely referred patients for laboratory or radiological tests. He will scribble in a slip the ingredients of the mixture for the patient to give to the compounder in the adjoining room. He used to take a paltry sum that covered the consultation fee and the cost of mixture in a corked bottle with dosages indicated by a paper strip pasted on the bottle. The medicine would last for two days and in most cases there would be no need to visit him again.
Each locality had a couple of general practitioners (GPs) who took care of all the families (both rich and poor), diagnosed and treated all common medical illnesses and did minor surgery. As a family doctor, our physician was loved and respected. He would have visited almost all the houses on some occasion or the other. He had by long experience gained the ability to see the big picture and also zero in on the root cause of the problem. He was a Jack of all trades, could pull a tooth, set fractures, stitch open wounds, and remove the blocking wax from the ear and so on. He will himself refer to hospital where the cases were serious and called for hospitalised treatment. I have seen in some localities even LMPs commanded considerable practice with success. The patients had tremendous faith in the curative powers of their doctors. The GPs too those days were compassionate and treated poor patients free giving them the free samples of medicines they received and took with this purpose in mind from the medical representatives who came to meet them.
The situation today is vastly different. GPs with rich experience are a rarity. Most of the doctors after acquiring MBBS specialise in some area. The scene is fast changing with specialists mushrooming and the prescribing GPs disappearing. The frontiers of medical knowledge and its technology have also extended a lot. The lure of fame and quick riches draw medical graduates to specialise in a narrow area. Where there is money there is crowd. Ophthalmology, Cardiology, Oncology, Cardiovascular surgery, Gastroenterology, ENT, Orthopaedic etc draws the most doctors. The fees of specialists are naturally prohibitive considering the fact only those with specific complaints would visit them. There are no more general physicians or general surgeons in large number as we had a few decades back..
Patients who can afford would prefer to go to a specialist at the earliest opportunity instead of losing time with GP. But the bulk of our problems are minor in nature and a GP should be able to treat them. With easy internet access to patients, they fear the worst scenario and rush to the specialist. Most of the educated have some knowledge of anatomy and the diseases. But the snag is these specialists know in depth only in their limited areas of specialisation. There are the inevitable many referrals to other specialists with innumerable tests and consultations that make treatment way beyond most. Patients generally go to hospitals where they are covered by insurance. All tests are done routinely whether needed or not more as a process of routine elimination. Even a small ailment or a surgery in a hospital run on commercial lines is very prohibitive in cost. The hapless many struggle without going to hospitals or specialists till the problem becomes serious.
Will there ever be the good old general practioners as we had when I was a chit? They may lack the narrow specialisation of the present day specialists but their knowledge in their “parent” fields was beyond question and far superior. They were a boon to the innumerable poor people with the day to day ordinary complaints of a bad cold, fever, tooth pain, a minor fracture and dyspepsia. The commercialisation of medicine and hospitals has caused a great havoc.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com

Comparisons are invidious

by KParthasarathi Tuesday, April 15, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6371.htm
As a young manager one Saturday afternoon I was talking leisurely to my boss on a variety of subjects. During the course of this long chat, he praised a colleague of mine. He was telling how impressed he was with his work, his intelligence and his ability to present knotty cases in simple manner. As he was speaking, I was unconsciously squirming in my seat. When he proceeded to shower his praise on my colleague’s ability to carry his team and his motivational powers, some sort of illogical jealousy grew in me. I was wondering why he was telling me all these and whether there was a hidden intent behind it. Doubts assailed my mind whether he considered my colleague better than me. I too toiled hard for long hours and was considered a capable manager with promising future. All the bosses under whom I had worked had always spoken of me in high praise. Despite this knowledge I started mentally comparing myself with my colleague and giving ratings on various attributes. When the boss found me glum with a long face, he said in a puzzled tone that he was just mentioning about my colleague to me as he knew we were very close friends. He added generously that he was not making any comparisons.
Nevertheless when I returned to my cabin, I was involuntarily worrying myself whether I too would merit such an appreciation from my boss with a lurking doubt that I may not. It is human nature that if the boss criticises someone, we are comfortable and feel assured that we do not suffer from such demerits. If he praises someone, we feel insecure with jealousy. Our moods keep changing constantly by comparisons. They invariably hurt if the person compared with is spoken well off. We relish the failures of others and are inwardly unhappy at the success of others. A couple of days later when the colleague about whom the boss had spoken dropped in to my house with his wife, I mentioned about the chat and the high opinion the boss had for him. I made the gratuitous remark that he probably ranked highest in the estimation of the boss. It was then my friend mentioned that he too had similar experience a few days back when the boss it appeared showered encomiums on me. We realised then that this was one strategy of the wily boss to get the best out of his managers.
I remember my attempts to motivate my daughters by comparing them with their friends. Little did I realise that this was a big mistake and counterproductive. In many instances I learnt from my wife that my daughters were better than their friends and that I should not be taken in by appearances. No man is hero to his valet. Likewise we know our children very well with all their weaknesses while we know very little of others. My friend’s daughter was learning music along with my daughter from the same teacher. I found that girl picked up the lessons fast and was able to sing with lot of confidence in a loud voice. Whenever asked she would readily sing unlike my daughter who had to be cajoled and persuaded. The other girl, I learnt, had the habit of humming the music all the time and was also practising regularly. My daughter considered music as an imposition and went to the classes in deference to her mom’s wishes. She practised on the day there was the class and that too after several reminders from my wife. Nevertheless she sang well and the teacher was happy with her effort but I always nursed the opinion that she was not putting that extra effort as the other girl. The result was clearly manifest when they sang together. One evening I told her that she was under no compulsion to learn music if she was not interested and that I was making no comparison. I also mentioned that she needed to be prompted by her mother almost daily indicative of her lack of interest. This pricked her self esteem. She replied that she liked her lessons and that she would need no more goading. It was then my wife pointed out that every child has its plus and minus points and that my daughters excelled in studies and sports and other extracurricular activities. This remark soothed the injured spirit of my daughter. We were surprised to see the change in her and soon she was on par with the other girl participating in all music tournaments.
Comparisons should not be invidious but gentle and oblique without hurting the esteem of the individual. One should compare one’s achievement with the goals set and not with other individuals. Comparing crudely with others can make one bitter and spoil the friendships invariably.
kpartha12@hotmail.com

Is murder the only answer for infidelity?

by KParthasarathi Thursday, March 27, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6212.htm
Is infidelity an unforgivable sin? Should it be avenged only by murder? The recent news report of the murder of a wife for alleged continued affair with someone else followed by suicide of the husband sets one thinking whether a different response was possible. Could he not have sought a break up of marriage on grounds of adultery instead of giving vent to extreme anger? After all in any marriage one cannot rule out the possibility of distaste for each other or total incompatibility of the couple leading to extra marital relationship.Marraiges can be failures despite all the care from one side. Divorce is the only remedy in such cases and not murder.
There can be no two opinions that infidelity is wrong and unacceptable despite its widespread prevalence today. Such an act of betrayal is shattering to the victim and cuts at the very root of commitment to one another and robs the relationship of the sense of trust and love. It would be very difficult to reconcile and live together thereafter except in cases of compelling economic reasons, social pressures from the family or the fear of hurting the future of children.
The responses would no doubt vary depending upon who the victim of betrayal is whether wife or husband. Where the husband and wife are young and qualified without children, the best course would be to separate and seek divorce. Papering the crack hardly helps. The suspecting party should work diligently to get the damning evidence against the cheater. Murder and suicides are no solution.It is a weak answer to the problem. A new life with a new partner can be started afresh with the bitter incident fading away from memory. In some cases the cause for post marital relationship with someone else may due to some inadequacy. Long periods of neglect or absence of love and affection would drive the deprived into the hands of someone offering the same. Where the couples suspect cooling of relationship, they should discuss and analyze the reasons there for to salvage the marriage in time, if possible
The problem arises where both are middle aged with children. Some may be financially well off and some not be. No easy answer is possible. There can be genuine remorse at the sin committed under unintended and unplanned circumstances with the promise that such lapses would not occur again. Such cases are very rare. Any amount of assurance by the adulterer is generally of little value in inspiring confidence and the cheater in most cases would only tend to be more secretive in his/her amoral adventures. Some victims particularly women may cry hoarse, be angry and throw tantrums for a while but get reconciled to their miserable lot. A few would never forgive and may live in the same house for the sake of children but without any physical relationship with the adulterer.Pretty difficult no doubt. Otherwise how do we account for so many men having mistresses openly and are none the worse for it? It is only women who tolerate such deviations while men would under no circumstance permit an adulterous wife to live with him.
This is a pretty tough situation to deal with and the reactions would naturally be different.
kpartha12@hotmail.com

Make divorce easy for women

by KParthasarathi Wednesday, March 26, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6200.htm
Divorce is common today as the women are empowered with education and employment. They have the financial independence and the courage. Lacking these earlier they had to put up with all indignities at the hands of their husbands. They suffered in silence for the sake of children, security and societal pressure. The concept of single parent was frowned upon then.
The women are now aware that they need not put up with alcoholic husbands and their violence, adulterous spouses or drug addicts or those who are in prison for long for crimes or those with incurable diseases. Where there is no scope for correction, the women have realized that it is best to end the farcical relationship if they can stand on their own legs. The marriages are terminated even under financial hardship where warranted. Divorces are common amongst educated classes. The poor continue to suffer as staying single in slums without the security of a husband is risky.
People from higher classes seek divorce even for slender reasons like incompatibility. The mere dissatisfaction and inability to love and live together is found adequate to part ways. In such cases there should be mutual willingness to part amicably.
The problem arises only when there are children and one party is unwilling necessitating legal recourse. Though divorces bring relief to the harassed spouse in the short term, their impact on the children is considerable especially when the woman is not financially well off. How much of balancing of the conflicting interests of children’s well being with the agony of the woman continuing in an unworkable marriage needs to be done varies from case to case. The couple should seek an answer whether children’s interests are best served in a two-parent family and if so work for restoring the breaking relationship. Largely it is men who are at fault though he may not initiate divorce. He would wish to keep the marriage going and continue with his wayward ways.
While divorce is necessary as a last resort, it should not be employed after the initial thrill of wedded life begins to wane or for minor differences of opinion. The couple should bestow deep thought about the sanctity of the marriage and the commitment that go with it especially when they have children. Generally one of the spouses disowns responsibility towards the children losing the bond with them.
Sadly a permissive culture that has crept in and the easy opportunities to mingle closely away from the home at odd working hours makes young people succumb to carnal temptations ruining in the process the edifice of marriages. If such secret liaisons are kept under a wrap, things go well. Invariably they come out in the open sooner or later. Unfortunately, entering into marriage is no longer considered by a few as a serious and committed partnership but somewhat like a live in relationship under the garb of marriage to gain respectability. Such thinking is a negation of all that is holy in family relationship
All said and done, easy access to divorce provides security for wronged women. To make things harder for obtaining a divorce would bind the women to abusive marriages. While the interest of children in marriages is to be kept in mind, it is a fact that children in highly abusive atmosphere are affected more than the children in single families where care is bestowed. There can be a conflict of interests between what is good for wife and what is for children. But the scale should strongly tilt in favour of the woman as she would not sacrifice the welfare of her children. In sum the divorce laws should be made easy for women and tough on men.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com

How different are we from Americans?

-by KParthasarathi Friday, March 14, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory6100.htm.

The news report about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer stepping down from the state's top office because of a moral indiscretion set me thinking on the high standard of probity and character the people there expect of their leaders. They would not allow the "private failings to disrupt the public's work.” The announcement of resignation has come when there are mere allegations and no formal charges framed. He had a high reputation as a ‘scourge' of white collar crime. In his announcement he had stated that”Over the course of my public life, I have insisted -- I believe correctly -- that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself."
Compare this with what we are accustomed to hearing from our politicians here like "the law will take its own course" or 'this is only an allegation and no charges have been proved" or “this is politically motivated" and so on and so forth.
In a country like US that has considerable number in live-in relationship, the number of children born out of wedlock in some states being large , where premarital sex is common and the number of gays quite high and where society is more liberal and permissive in matters of sex, the people strangely employ very high standard of personal character to judge their leaders. The yardstick to judge their leaders is different from what they use to judge themselves. They do not tolerate even a minor deviation from accepted values in their leaders. They expect their leaders to live the values they espouse. They attach importance to 'family values'. Leaders need not have to be intelligent or efficient. They could have failed to achieve what they had promised. The people would tolerate or overlook all these failings but when it comes to moral turpitude or corruption they come with a heavy hand on their leaders. They would not hesitate even to impeach their Presidents if need be. The issues are publicly discussed in the media providing no scope for the culprits to hide behind a veil of secrecy. The media too revels in splashing such stories without fear being censored or controlled by government.
It saddens my heart that we are compelled to suffer tainted politicians accused of gravest crimes in positions of power and influence. Justice grinds very slowly in their cases with several hurdles thrown in the way to prevent the judiciary from performing speedily their duty. Political considerations and not ethical grounds weigh against permitting the progress of cases to logical end. Highest executives exempt themselves from the rigours of law through special dispensation.
It is high time that public and NGOs are vigilant and on the alert to ensure that their leaders are upright and men of sterling character. This requisite should be non-negotiable.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com

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Power of a pat on the back

by KParthasarathi Thursday, March 06, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory5989.htm
People by nature are frugal in praise but generous in criticism. How often do we see people in work place praising others? I had come across many bosses who extracted hard work from their juniors and appropriated full credit for the work done without even a cursory mention of a ‘thank you’ to the people who made it possible. They would never pause to think about the feelings of people who work for them and their need to be recognized.
There are also some who believe motivating employees is best done thro expressing their happiness to them for the work done. They are aware that when the employees know that their work is appreciated and ability respected they are sure to produce much more. Such people build right work environment and foster high morale among their subordinates.
I was then a middle level finance executive in a large company. I had to work on a weekend on a project along with the Head of marketing wing (HoM) and his executives to finalize a report for the board by Monday. It was a marathon two day effort extending up to midnight. The report was ready by 2am on Monday. In the morning the HoM took me along to the Head of Finance (HoF) to get his approval for the report. The HoM placing his hand on my shoulder told him “Sir, this report would not have been finalized but for the prodigious efforts from Partha. He had been working at it for a week sitting late hours. He didn’t sleep whole of last night. He gave us invaluable inputs and suggestions. How I wish he were in my department”. I was flabbergasted though embarrassed a little as it was a team effort. All my tiredness vanished the moment he praised me to my boss. This single act of acknowledging the work done and giving a pat at the right time to the right quarter earned for him my loyalty forever.
But not all are like that. There are only a few who know the art of praising people unstintingly where due. They realize that people want praise and recognition. To be noticed and patted is a strong motivator. There is no cost in praising someone but the benefit is immense. Enlightened employers understand that reward and recognition achieve astounding results than threat and punishment. They make people feel important. Weak bosses take good work for granted. I had observed there is eagerness among employees to work under bosses who are liberal with praise and avoid getting trapped with those who are parsimonious in tribute. The generous type naturally attracts good workers and in turn is more successful.
There are however some guidelines in praising juniors.
*Be honest. Recognize only when the work turned out is genuinely good and out of the ordinary. In other words too much and too frequent praise would cheapen it

*Be impartial in praise. Do not play the game of favourites.

*Praise at the right time. It should always be immediately after the good job done so that the junior would know why he is being appreciated. Catch people doing things right, as they say. I have seen some bosses remembering the good work and not uttering one word but at the end of the year pay glowing tributes in the confidential appraisal reports. They serve little to motivate.

*Praise openly preferably in the presence of others without any qualifying remarks attached to it.

*Praise for the efforts put in even if the result is not as expected.
I cannot forget as a junior finance executive my pressing repeatedly the head of another company to clear their long standing large dues to our company. They were having cash problems. When my boss from head office had come I took him to meet the head of that company. I was a little apprehensive that he may complain about my troubling him frequently. When they met, he told my boss”Sir, Partha is a pain on my neck.” He paused for a while and added “I want one like him to recover our dues. Would you allow him to join us on a higher grade?” This was a rare praise from an unexpected quarter but made me his eternal admirer.
Kpartha12@hotmail.com
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We are as happy as we wish to be

by KParthasarathi Tuesday, March 04, 2008
http://content.msn.co.in/Contribute/Lifestyle/UCStory5963.htm
I do not know how many of us know the name of our postman who comes to deliver our letters almost daily? No, we hardly talk to him even when he delivers us a registered letter or a parcel. We silently receive the mail and sign in acknowledgement in the form he produces. Our encounter or should I say non-encounter with him is over in the matter of a minute or two. He invariably comes in his cycle when the sun is over the head and it is hot. He would visit any number of homes and would not have remembered a single exchange of words worth remembering at the end of the day.
My first encounter with my postman started with a tiff. It was very hot that day and after a heavy lunch, I had dozed off. My wife was away. The postman had rung the bell twice or thrice. I opened the door with a frown on my face at the disturbance. He had a registered parcel for Mrs. Partha. I told him she was not at home and asked him to give me her husband the packet. He said he would come the next day to deliver personally to her. When I remonstrated at his being punctilious,he politely replied that he was only doing his duty.
It was only then that I noticed he was perspiring heavily standing in the hot sun with a big bundle. I requested him to come in and asked him to sit under the fan. He was hesitant initially but sat down when pressed. I gave him a glass of cold butter milk. I ascertained his name was Radhakrishnan and that he has been on this beat for the last twenty years. He had two sons and one girl and all of them studying. He was touched by my kind enquiries and said this was the first time anyone ever invited him into the drawing room and offered him a drink. I asked him whether he liked the work. He said he had no choice but he decided to like it. Sorting of the letters was easy once one gets experienced. He had the opportunity to meet all sorts of people though the hazard of unchained dogs and tiresome climbing of the stairs of multi storied apartments posed a problem. He however enjoyed the occasional reading out the post cards to the illiterate in the slums. Though there were a few insensitive people making him wait at their doors taking their time to chain the dogs or open the doors most of his clients were by and large good. He said he had no reason to be unhappy though walking through slushy roads during rainy days was difficult.
Six months later, I had to get an affidavit urgently from a notary. I didn’t know of anyone in the locality. The neighbours also could not help. It was then I saw Radhakrishnan in my colony on his beat. When I mentioned about this, he reeled out half a dozen names within a kilometer of my house. I found that he knew the people who lived in his area and enjoyed being helpful whenever approached. It was then the thought occurred to me that how many of us who work in the cool comfort of air-conditioned offices with transport pick up and yet keep griping about the well paid work little realizing there are people who enjoy their work even in unfavourable circumstances.
I was surprised at Radhakrishnan’s positive attitude and asked him how he liked his work which to me did not appear comfortable. He laughed and said “Unlike others I am not chained to a table all through the day. I am mostly in open breathing fresh air and meeting a cross section of people. Most of them cheer up and smile when they get a letter. At the end of the day I do not have to carry the worries of the office to my home. I have many friends. Life is not about earning money alone. I am quite happy.” I realized that the postman had developed a robust and positive outlook towards life. He liked his job, worked efficiently, helped illiterate people, made friends and was cheerful. How many of us could boast of such a privilege?
Kpartha12@hotmail.com